10 Funniest Stories in the Bible
I thought I would take a break from my usual End of the World blog posts to bring you something lighter for the end of the summer—my Top Ten list of the funniest stories in the Bible, according to me.
The other night my daughter Dominique and I were eating tacos and discussing our favorite Bible stories. Suddenly we found ourselves laughing at the comedy, some intentional, some not, we found in the Good Book. Maybe no one else will think these are funny, but, well, we’re weirdos.
#10 THAT TIME IN THE BOAT WHEN THE DISCIPLES FORGOT THE BREAD
Because of their general cluelessness, the disciples are a constant source of hilarity. Occasionally, they would do something right, only to mess up moments later. This particular incident is a case in point. It happened right after Jesus had fed the four thousand with seven baskets of bread left over. (Keep in mind that the feeding of the five thousand had happened previously.) The disciples got into a boat to cross to the other side of the lake when, lo and behold, they forgot the bread! This caused quite a bit of consternation among the disciples, so much so that Jesus had to intervene.
Jesus’ disciples had forgotten to bring any bread, so they had only one loaf with them in the boat. Jesus knew what they were discussing and said, “Why are you talking about the fact that you don’t have any bread? Don’t you grasp what has happened? Don’t you understand? Mark 8:14,17
No, they didn’t. So Jesus has to break it down.
When I broke five loaves of bread for those five thousand people, how many baskets full of leftovers did you gather?”
They answered, “Twelve.”
“And when I broke seven loaves of bread for those four thousand people, how many baskets full of leftovers did you gather?”
They answered, “Seven.”
Jesus said to them, “ And you still don’t understand?” Mark 8:19 -21
It cracks me up thinking of those disciples just staring at Jesus with a “what’s your point?” look on their faces. You can see why Jesus later on burst out: “How much longer do I have to put up with you?” Even perfect people have their limits.
#9 THAT TIME KING UZZIAH GOT LEPROSY
Leprosy is nothing to laugh about, but Uzziah, let’s be frank, had it coming. He waltzed into the Temple out of sheer pride to burn incense to the Lord, which was very much against God’s law. Eighty priests followed him in, trying to tell him what a bad idea this was.
Then Uzziah, with a censer in his hand to burn incense, was enraged; and while he was enraged with the priests, leprosy broke out on his forehead before the priests in the house of the Lord, beside the incense altar. As Azariah the chief priest and all the priests looked toward him, behold, he was leprous on his forehead; and they hurried him out of there, and he also hurried to get out because the Lord had stricken him. 2 Chronicles 26:19-20
I could imagine this as a movie scene where eighty priests stare, then turn tail and run out of there as fast as they can, and Uzziah is like, “Hey, wait for me!”
#8 THAT TIME PETER KNOCKED AND NO ONE ANSWERED
Peter often bumbled about before Jesus’ resurrection, but once the Holy Spirit took hold of him, he was a total badass. So much so that Herod threw him in prison. But an angel helped him escape (that story in Acts 12 itself is worth a read!), and he went to Mark’s house, where the disciples were gathered to pray for him.
When Peter knocked at the outer gate, a female servant named Rhoda went to answer. She was so overcome with joy when she recognized Peter’s voice that she didn’t open the gate. Instead, she ran back in and announced that Peter was standing at the gate. “You’ve lost your mind!” they responded. She stuck by her story with such determination that they began to say, “It must be his guardian angel.”
Meanwhile, Peter remained outside, knocking at the gate. They finally opened the gate and saw him there, and they were astounded. Acts of the Apostles 12:13-16
Poor Peter. Rescued by an angel and left standing outside the gate, because no one believed it was really him. “Will someone let me in, please?”
#7 THAT TIME ELIJAH MOCKED THE PROPHETS OF BAAL
When he wasn’t wallowing in self-pity, Elijah had quite the sharp wit. Imagine the silliness of this scene on Mt. Carmel, when the prophets of Baal try to get their god to set fire to a bull. Elijah’s commentary is priceless—who else would wonder if maybe Baal couldn’t hear them because he was in the men’s room?
So they prepared one of the bulls and placed it on the altar. Then they called on the name of Baal from morning until noontime, shouting, “O Baal, answer us!” But there was no reply of any kind. Then they danced, hobbling around the altar they had made. About noontime, Elijah began mocking them. “You’ll have to shout louder,” he scoffed, “for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming or is relieving himself. Or maybe he is away on a trip, or is asleep and needs to be wakened!” 1 Kings 18:26-27
#6 THAT TIME A DONKEY TALKED
Long before Shrek, there was a talking donkey in the Bible. She was also a lot smarter than her owner, Balaam, a two-faced prophet who had been sent on a mission to curse Israel for the Midianite king. When an angel appeared on the road to rebuke Balaam, the donkey saw it and refused to budge. After being beaten three times, she spoke to Balaam, who was apparently too furious to realize his donkey was talking.
The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?” “No,” he said. Numbers 22:30
Duh! Sometimes, it takes a donkey to show you you’re being an a___. I do love the “Have I been in the habit” part—that donkey had some sass!
#5 THAT TIME A WORM ATE JONAH’S SHADE
Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor? After being rescued from the belly of a whale, Jonah had just gotten the most depraved pagan city in the world to repent. Instead of thanking and praising God for this miracle and for protecting his life in the process, Jonah sulked. He was mad! God might have rebuked him or smote him or sent him back into the whale. Instead, he played a little joke on old Jonah.
Then the LORD God provided a shrub, and it grew up over Jonah, providing shade for his head and saving him from his misery. Jonah was very happy about the shrub. But God provided a worm the next day at dawn, and it attacked the shrub so that it died. Jonah 4:6-7
Of course, Jonah never did get that joke.
#4 THAT TIME EHUD LOST HIS SWORD IN KING EGLON
There are certain complications in trying to assassinate extremely fat kings—one is that you might not get your sword back. That’s what the Israelite judge Ehud discovered when he went to kill the Moabite king Eglon.
Ehud reached with his left hand and grabbed the sword from his right thigh. He stabbed it into Eglon’s stomach, and even the handle went in after the blade. Since he did not pull the sword out of his stomach, the fat closed over the blade, and his guts spilled out. Judges 3:21-22
Maybe you have to be an eight-year-old to think this story is funny, which says a lot about me. Not to mention that poor Eglon was probably assassinated while sitting on the toilet, so his body was not discovered for quite a while as his ministers didn’t want to disturb him. Pretty clever, Ehud.
#3 THAT WEIRD DESCRIPTION OF A BRIDE IN SONG OF SOLOMON
Song of Solomon is usually considered one of the finest poems in literature, but some of the metaphors are…um…awkward. Take Solomon’s description of his bride:
Look at you—so beautiful, my dearest! Look at you—so beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind the veil of your hair! Your hair is like a flock of goats as they stream down Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like newly shorn ewes as they come up from the washing pool— all of them perfectly matched, not one of them lacks its twin. Like a crimson ribbon are your lips; when you smile, it is lovely. Like a slice of pomegranate is the curve of your face behind the veil of your hair. Like David’s tower is your neck, splendidly built! A thousand shields are hung upon it— all the weapons of the warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle doe, that graze among the lilies. Song of Songs 4:1-5
If that doesn’t make you giggle just a little, check out this helpful illustration:
#2 THAT TIME PAUL PREACHED FOR SO LONG A GUY FELL ASLEEP AND FELL OUT OF A WINDOW AND DIED
You’ve got to hand it to Paul; he never let anything get in the way of a good sermon.
On the first day of the week, as we gathered together for a meal, Paul was holding a discussion with them. Since he was leaving the next day, he continued talking until midnight… A young man named Eutychus was sitting in the window. He was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell from the third floor and died. Paul went down, fell on him and embraced him, then said, “Don’t be alarmed. He’s alive!” Then Paul went back upstairs and ate. He talked for a long time, up until daybreak, then left. Acts of the Apostles 20:7-11
In case you missed it, Paul performed a resurrection here. And then what did he do? Went right back up and started preaching again. Eutychus, wisely, went home.
#1 THAT TIME GOD CAUGHT ADAM AND EVE NAKED
I credit my college pastor with this one, and I still think of him every time I read this passage.
The LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”
The man replied, “I heard your sound in the garden; I was afraid because I was naked and hid myself.”
He said, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Genesis 3:9-11
“Who told you that you were naked?” may be the funniest line in the whole Bible.
What are your favorite funny Bible moments? If you have one to add to this list, I’ll include it in a future post. I hope you enjoyed this interlude of Bible comedy—we’ll be back to the End of the World soon.
Gina Detwiler is the author of FORSAKEN, the fourth book in the award-winning FORLORN series. She also wrote THE ULTIMATE BIBLE CHARACTER GUIDE and co-wrote the bestselling middle-grade fantasy series THE PRINCE WARRIORS with Priscilla Shirer.
